Tucker bear

We finally received our little 11oz. Tucker bear. It's bittersweet, but I've already loved holding it and keeping it close to my heart. When requesting your bear, the organization asks a few questions first. one of the questions being "what reminds you of your baby?". Our answer was Hummingbirds. Here's why...after Tucker's funeral, I received a text from one of my good friends reading:

I just have to share this with you. Peter and I watched this hummingbird during the service. He was hanging around the patio the whole time the pastor spoke, and then followed over the group when we released the balloons. Then went back to the patio and hovered over it. It was amazing! 

Peter and I believe it was Tucker. He was there lifting up the grief and sending love. Now every time I see one I will forever think of your precious little handsome man!!! 💋He changed our lives and we didn't even get the chance to meet him. 

Ever since my friend shared this with us, we have had many encounters with hummingbirds. My husband has had them hover over him at work and I was so lucky to have one right at my front door one day. I had walked outside to go to work and there was the hummingbird just staring at me. It felt like a good minute went by before it flew off. It wasn't scared or nervous, it just hovered really close to me for a little while. Such an amazing experience and I knew it was Tucker.

Some of my favorite greeting cards are from a company called Papyrus. Their symbol for the cards is a hummingbird and with each card they package together, there is always a card inside that talks about this beautiful bird. Here is what is says:

The Hummingbird

Legends say that hummingbirds float free of time, carrying our hopes for love, joy and celebration. Hummingbirds open our eyes to the wonder of the world and inspire us to open our hearts to loved ones and friends. Like a hummingbird, we aspire to hover and to savor each moment as it passes, embrace all that life has to offer and to celebrate the joy of everyday. The hummingbird’s delicate grace reminds us that life is rich, beauty is everywhere, every personal connection has meaning and that laughter is life’s sweetest creation.

I couldn't agree more. We love and miss you Tucker.

Keep your head up!

I finished my 3rd and last round of 50mg of Clomid 2 days ago. This round was a little rough. The first two rounds I did ok with the side effects, but this time I experience nausea, hot flashes, headaches, and loss of sleep. I was sure happy to finish that last pill. It recommends to take the pill at the same time every day to help with the side effects, so I think that was my problem this time around.

I spent the morning looking up 50mg Clomid success stories because I've been feeling a little down. I am in another group on Facebook called "TTC After Pprom Loss" and it seems everyone in that group is getting pregnant except me. Of course I am so happy for them, but once again, sad for myself. I've been debating the last week if I want to continue with Clomid if this cycle isn't THE cycle. I don't know if I want to take a break from it for a month or two and then try it again or not. I'm stuck in the middle. I just really don't want it to thin my uterine lining. I'm thinking I might call my doctor and see if I am able to come in to get checked and see if it would be safe for me to continue. I did read today that 40% - 45% of women taking Clomid, will get pregnant within 6 cycles. Hoping I'm part of that 40% - 45%!!! This will be our 11th month of actively trying to conceive all together. Can't believe that much time has passed. 

I've really been trying hard to remain positive 100% of the time, but this SUCKS!! I know it WILL happen soon. I just get so impatient sometimes and sad. I'm a firm believer that sometimes our loved ones who've passed, will send little messages here and there. Well on my first day back to work after losing Tucker, the song "Keep Your Head Up" by Andy Grammar, came on and I swear it was Tucker telling me that everything is going to be ok and that I will have our rainbow. Here's the song if you'd like to watch:

On Sunday I received a pretty exciting email...Molly Bears is a non-profit organization that creates weighted teddy bears for families coping with infant loss. Travis and I put in our request a month after losing Tucker, and our Tucker teddy has finally been made. There is a waiting list of a year or more just because of so many requests and also because of funding. I am so thankful for them and can't wait to see our little bear. I will post a picture as soon as I receive him. Here is the link to Molly Bears if you would like to check it out:

mollybears.com

Here's hoping this is the month!!!

PCOS, Clomid, and Fertility prayers...

So my last post was more about catching up on life during my hiatus from blogging. There's still so much to write about and I will get to it in time.

Today I am on cycle day 7 and on pill 4 of 50mg of clomid. This is my 3rd round and I am hoping that third times a charm. My doctor doesn't feel the need to monitor me while taking the 50mg, but if this cycle doesn't work, I'll be getting monitored and the dosage will be going up to 100mg. I've been a little nervous about taking the Clomid. I've read a lot on it and it can thin the lining of your uterus. That is such a scary thought, especially with my loss at 5 months pregnant. The few doctors I've spoke to about what happened, still have no idea what could have caused my loss. One doctor said it was infection even though I was never ill or had a fever through my pregnancy. Another doctor said I could have an incompetent cervix, which scares me even more because your cervix can change sizes so quickly, you start funneling and then your water starts to bulge ending in a rupture. This can happen at any time and you don't even know. All I can do is remain optimistic about everything. I've also started the whole temping thing. It was suggested to me since I have PCOS and taking clomid, this way I can tell if I am actually ovulating.

On Facebook I've joined a few groups to help me with the loss of Tucker and also through the journey of trying to conceive with PCOS and Clomid. It's definitely nice to have that support and to know that I am not alone through all of this. The other day, a lady from one of the groups, posted fertility prayers that her mother had shared with her. I want to share them here...

Thank you, Lord, for all the blessings in my life. Help me to remember them as I face the challenges of infertility. I pray that I can surrender myself into your hands. Let me accept the reality of this situation and have the wisdom and courage to take action where I can. Strengthen my body, mind and spirit to endure the trials of infertility. Keep me ever mindful of the needs of others and grant us your peace. Amen.

Dear Lord, the pain of infertility is so deep. All of our lives, we dream of
being mothers, of raising children with loving hearts to do your will on
this earth. Month after month when that dream does not come true, it so
painful, Lord. We feel like our dreams die each month with empty arms.
Please guide us to trust in your plan for us. We desperately need you in our lives. Thank you for all the blessings we do have, knowing through you all things are possible. Amen

Lord, help me to know that You are enough. Take my eyes off of myself. Take my eyes off of the child I desire. Help me to delight myself in You. Mold the desires of my heart to be in line with Your will. I don't want to need to be a mother more than I need to be your humble, obedient child. I don't want wanting to have a baby to be a stumbling block between You and me anymore.

Lord, I want to give this desire, this drive, this ache up to You. Help me
not to snatch it back as I so often do with the burdens I place in Your
hands. Help me to be truly content with Your will and Your timing.

Lord, You know that I still desire a baby - someone to mold, teach, train,
shape, guide, and help to grow in You. But until the day You give me that
joyous blessing, help me to grow in You. Let me reach out to those around me. Let me witness and minister to the children You place in my path.

Lord, if adoption is the path You would have us take, prepare our hearts,
and prepare the child who will share our home. If adoption is not Your will
for our lives, keep me from pushing ahead of Your plan. Help me to stay
submitted to my husband's will, and to Your will. If we are headed in the
wrong direction, change our hearts.

Thank You for lifting my burden. Help me to keep You first! Let me seek Your face daily, and let me know that You are enough!

Hannah's Prayer

"And she made this vow: 'O Lord of Hosts, if You will look upon the
suffering of Your maidservant and will remember me and not forget Your
maidservant, and if You will grant Your maidservant a male child, I will
dedicate him to the Lord for all the days of his life.'"

--Source: 1 Samuel 1:11

In You, God, our ancestors trusted,

In You they trusted, and You answered them.

We will trust in God, for God's goodness is never-ending; God's mercy

is without bounds.

We will trust in God, for God is our help and our shield.

May the God who made heaven and earth, hear our plea and grant us a child

I had stopped praying for a while after I lost Tucker, but I've been trying to start again. So why not try these fertility prayers?!

When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on!

Well, it's been a VERY long time since I've updated and so much has happened since my last post. Here's a little insight on what's happened the past couple years and I'll update with details as the days go on:

- I met the love of my life, Travis, in October of 2011.
- We got married on September 29th, 2012.
- We got pregnant with our first son named Tucker William Mills, on January 1st of 2013.
- I went into preterm labor after my water broke at 5 months pregnant at the end of April, 2013.
- I gave birth to our Angel baby on May 9th, 2013.
- During this time my dad has been moved into an assisted living facility because of his dementia that is progressing each day.
- My Grandma, on my moms side, moved back from Louisiana.
- I was diagnosed with PCOS in February of 2014.
- We've been trying to conceive since the end of July in 2013 and it's been a tough journey.

It was suggested to me, by a teacher of sorts, that I start journaling through my life. So, here I am continuing my story.

As I logged onto my blog for the first time in years, I couldn't help but get the feeling that this is going to help me. I don't know why I didn't think about this before. I take that back, I do know why I haven't thought about it before. The past year, I've been in a pretty dark place. I'd come up for air every once in a while, but I stayed pretty low most of the time. I've been hiding behind my grief. Losing our son was so extremely heartbreaking. There have been many times where I'd just sit there and stare. No talking, no T.V. or radio, just be in the piece and quiet and think. My thoughts were horrible ones, sad ones, anxious ones. I wasn't sure how we were going to move forward from this. I couldn't understand why this happened and why it had to happen to me and my husband. I was mad, I wanted to scream and cry most of the time, but yet I could only sit and be silent. I was numb. All Travis and I could talk about was that we couldn't wait to try again, for another brother or sister for Tucker. That helped a little, knowing that we could start trying after having 3 normal cycles. Little did we know that trying for another would not be so easy.

Let me explain by what I mean with easy...our little Tucker was not planned. I had been having a bad reaction to a new birth control I was on and I couldn't take it anymore. So I had to wait for my next cycle to start in order to begin the new birth control. During this time, we had celebrated New Years with some cocktails and what not. Well...my cycle never came. I hadn't realized it during this time because I was overly stressed with some issues going on at work. I did start to notice that I was getting tired all the time and coffee started to make me sick. I just thought I was getting sick but my sweet husband knew. Travis told me I was pregnant before I even knew I was pregnant. The digital pregnancy test only confirmed it. In all honesty, I cried when I saw the positive results. It was fear and excitement all mixed in together and I wasn't sure how to feel. Luckily I had already had an appointment scheduled with my OBGYN a week later, so I figured they could just confirm it then. When telling my Dr., she was so excited that we walked right over to the ultrasound machine and we saw Tucker for the first time. Hearing his heartbeat for the first time was unlike anything I had ever experienced. We were instantly in love with this little bean.

So, it's been 10 months of actively trying to conceive with my husband. There have been many tears, broken hearts, and negative thoughts through this process. After 7 months of trying and no success, I knew something was wrong with my body. In that 7th month, I had also had an 80 day cycle that only confirmed that something was going on. Since having a loss at 5 months, with no known cause, I am now considered at high risk. I had tried a couple doctors in between those 7 months and finally found someone that wants to fight for my next baby just as much as I do. He's also nice enough to give me his phone number so that I can call or text him with any questions anytime. I was so excited to have found him and his team. I finally reached out to him and told him that I feel something is wrong and I want to get checked out. He got me in right away and did an ultrasound of my uterus and ovaries. There he confirmed that I have PCOS. Talk about another obstacle in our path. At first I was ok with it because it confirmed that I wasn't going crazy and that I knew my body. My doctor didn't seem concerned either because I was still having cycles on my own. Most women with PCOS can go for a year without having a cycle. He decided to put me on 50mg of Clomid for the first 3 months and if I don't get pregnant on that, then he is going to up it to 100mg for another 3 months. I was really excited at first, thinking that this was going to help us. For anyone that knows me though, I have to research everything on PCOS and Clomid before starting anything. So naturally, I freaked myself out...

A few 30 second intros...

Before I go onto my next boyfriend, I added a couple of 30 second boys on my playlist through my on and off stage with Toby too cool. I felt I should touch on these because even though they didn't amount to much, I still learned some good lessons.

After my high school graduation, I went to a house party with some friends and I ran into a hottie basketball player from another school. We will call him "too fast Jack." We talked for a while throughout the night, and let me tell you, I was definitely infatuated. A really bad fight broke out which ended the party very quickly and we left before too fast Jack could get my number. I was pretty bummed because he was just too darn cute. Little did I know that he would track me down through the Mormon church (red flag #1). He was a Mormon boy, and I am what you call a jack mormon. Mormons are VERY good at keeping track of each other and there is always a phone list kept with whatever ward you are in. Some how he learned my last name and started up the Mormon calling tree. Pretty soon my phone rang and it was Jack. At the time I was so honored and excited that he had done so much to track me down, but now...not so much. We went out on our first date and the whole time I just couldn't stop staring at him. The conversation was just so-so, no real spark was there but the attraction overtook the intellectual connection so I of course kept dating him. The convos started off like normal. We had the usual first date talks, but soon more red flags started to pop up. He would through in an "us having kids together" comment here, an "us getting married comment" there. I just kind of laughed it off, totally thought he was joking and never took him seriously because we were so young. Then, after A WEEK of dating, he sat me down and told me that he has it all planned out. He would go on his mission and when he gets back we would move to Utah together, get married and go to BYU. In that moment it finally clicked, I wanted to get up and run away from him. This whole time I had been too infatuated with him to really realize what had been going through his head. I was too scared to tell him how I really felt though so I humored him that night and avoided him as soon as I got out of his car. I know, it was very rude of me. I should have been open and honest but I was young and still learning.

A few weeks later I met a new 30 second boy. We shall call him "I don't know why Ty." I honestly don't know why I dated him. Actually, I didn't really date him. I met him at a party,  he got my number and a couple days later we went out on a date. Nothing was there between us so once again I avoided him. He was a persistent one. He showed up at my house one day, thank goodness my sister answered the door and told him I wasn't there, and he gave my sister 5 wallet sized photos of himself to give to me. He even signed the back of one of them and left his phone number. Oh Ty, I really don't know why.

I really should have just been honest with the both of them because karma came back and bit me. It ended up that "too fast Jack" and "I don't know why Ty," had gone to the same high school and were friends. I found this out the hard way. My friends and I went to another house party where I ran into Ty, always one of those awkward moments when you run into someone you were avoiding. We chatted for a minute and then Jack walks up and puts his arm around Ty. Ty asked how Jack knew me and told him that we went out on a date together, little did I know that Jack is the jealous type. He gets mad, starts yelling at Jack and tries to start a fight. Luckily I was able to slip out of the house and leave during all of this commotion. Jack and Ty soon made up though and decided to team up and get back at me. I had recently gotten back together with "Toby too cool" and we were returning home one night to find Ty and Jack toilet papering my house. They ended up running in the opposite direction of their car, which they had left running just incase they needed a quick getaway. Toby was not happy so he walked up to their car, took the keys, threw them in the backseat and locked all the doors. I still don't know how they got home that night.

Moral of the story: Don't let infatuation get the best of you. Be smart about your choices. Honesty really is the best policy and don't date friends of friends or they will come toilet paper your house.

"That boy there, well he's playing a fool. He thinks he's funny and he thinks he's cool"

I've been going through some old pictures the past couple days which brought back many memories of my amazing dating life. I am now feeling the need to reflect a little on my past relationships/dating mishaps and the lessons I've learned from them. My next few posts will be about the lucky men in the playlist of my past.  I will be changing the names of the lucky men BUT, if I have a picture of them, I will be sure to add it onto my post! lol

First man to walk off the plank, whom we shall call "Toby too cool," was my first "love." Or so I thought at the time. I remember the first time I saw him in the high school lunch room. I was a freshman, he was a junior, and for some odd reason I thought he was the cutest boy in the school. He was kind of a scrawny little feller, with BLEACHED blonde hair. Yes, I did just say bleached. The sides of his hair was shaved and dark brown, and the top of his hair was long and blonde. Talk about HOTTT(insert sarcasm)! I admired him from afar for a couple days but was soon approached by a mutual friend of ours. This friend informed me that Toby thinks I am pretty and would like to meet me. So the next day, in the magical high school lunch room, this friend introduced me and Toby. From that day on Toby and I were inseparable.

I definitely lost the balance in my life. I didn't see my friends as much anymore, I was choosing to go to the golf course to watch him play rather than spend time with my family. I basically worshiped the ground he walked on. I have proceeded to think that way with a lot of my boyfriends since, but I will get into that later.

Things were perfect. We would go to lunch together everyday, spend the weekends together, see each other after school, there pretty much wasn't a moment that we weren't together. Then, 2 months into our relationship, he said those three words that every girl loves to hear "I love you." Although, I wasn't one of those girls that couldn't wait to hear those words. In fact, the minute he said I love you, my life turned upside down. I didn't know what love was or even how it felt! I gave in of course and said it back, but for weeks I questioned it. I even pulled out the dictionary and showed it to Toby too cool! I know, I'm a nerd. I just wasn't feeling this emotion back at all but the more I said it, the more I started to believe the words that were coming out of my mouth.

We dated on and off for 4 1/2 years, it was ridiculous. He at one point told me that since he got me as his girlfriend, he felt that he could get any girl so he wanted to play the field. Yep, he said that and I took him back. Boy was I naive. After those lovely 4 1/2 years, I finally built up enough courage and broke it off. It didn't end there of course. (He actually makes appearances throughout my life but I will get to that later.) After I ended it with Toby, he would sometimes drive by my house late at night and rev his engine just to let me know he's driving by. Talk about corny. This went on for months!!! Well, years actually. Soon I met a new boy to add to my playlist and Toby too cool did not like this. As I was saying goodbye to this new boy, whom I shall name in my next post, Toby pulled up in his dad's mini van. Toby stopped for a moment and revved the mini vans oh so loud and scary engine at us, then proceeded to get out of the van and tried to get into a fight with this new boy. Men and their peacocking...

In conclusion, you would have thought that through this relationship I would have learned a lot at that age, but honestly I was too consumed with other things and didn't really pay attention to what I was supposed take from it. As I got older and looked back on it, I started realizing a lot and finally learned my lessons. I was never IN LOVE with Toby too cool. I had just grown to love him as a friend throughout our relationship but was too scared to be true to myself and admit it. I lost myself in him and our relationship and took a lot of things for granted. Never again.

*Toby too cool's song on my playlist would be "Pretty Fly For A White Guy" by the Offspring

**Picture shall be added later! =)

"The minor fall and the major lift"

Hello hello!

My life + some wonderful/encouraging friends of mine = inspiration to start a blog about life. 

I felt it appropriate to start my first post today because I sold off a minor piece of my life. It's taken me almost two years to let it go and I finally said goodbye to my wedding dress. It definitely was a bittersweet transaction. I am so thankful for the helpful hearts I have surrounding me, who gave me the inspiration to put it up for sale. I listed it on a website called preownedweddingdresses.com not even a month ago and was soon contacted. This woman had tried it on in a bridal boutique but the price was out of her budget, so she went searching on this website and found me! Needless to say, it was meant to be.

I was very sad to see it go. The transaction happened so fast, one minute it was in my hands and the next it was gone. In Jessica's words, it was like ripping off a band aid really fast. Which in a way it was. You rip the band aid off and its painless, almost numbing at first, then you start to feel a little bit of that pain but you are in acceptance of it. In a matter of seconds, I watched that time of my life walk away. I honestly wasn't sure how to react. I could say that I wish that time in my life never existed but I would be lying. The lessons I learned, from those 6 years of my life, have made me the person I am today.

Even though we are only 2 months into 2011, it has already been one of my favorite/breakthrough years of my life. So many changes going on around me but also with me and I just can't wait for what's next.