Tucker bear

We finally received our little 11oz. Tucker bear. It's bittersweet, but I've already loved holding it and keeping it close to my heart. When requesting your bear, the organization asks a few questions first. one of the questions being "what reminds you of your baby?". Our answer was Hummingbirds. Here's why...after Tucker's funeral, I received a text from one of my good friends reading:

I just have to share this with you. Peter and I watched this hummingbird during the service. He was hanging around the patio the whole time the pastor spoke, and then followed over the group when we released the balloons. Then went back to the patio and hovered over it. It was amazing! 

Peter and I believe it was Tucker. He was there lifting up the grief and sending love. Now every time I see one I will forever think of your precious little handsome man!!! 💋He changed our lives and we didn't even get the chance to meet him. 

Ever since my friend shared this with us, we have had many encounters with hummingbirds. My husband has had them hover over him at work and I was so lucky to have one right at my front door one day. I had walked outside to go to work and there was the hummingbird just staring at me. It felt like a good minute went by before it flew off. It wasn't scared or nervous, it just hovered really close to me for a little while. Such an amazing experience and I knew it was Tucker.

Some of my favorite greeting cards are from a company called Papyrus. Their symbol for the cards is a hummingbird and with each card they package together, there is always a card inside that talks about this beautiful bird. Here is what is says:

The Hummingbird

Legends say that hummingbirds float free of time, carrying our hopes for love, joy and celebration. Hummingbirds open our eyes to the wonder of the world and inspire us to open our hearts to loved ones and friends. Like a hummingbird, we aspire to hover and to savor each moment as it passes, embrace all that life has to offer and to celebrate the joy of everyday. The hummingbird’s delicate grace reminds us that life is rich, beauty is everywhere, every personal connection has meaning and that laughter is life’s sweetest creation.

I couldn't agree more. We love and miss you Tucker.

Keep your head up!

I finished my 3rd and last round of 50mg of Clomid 2 days ago. This round was a little rough. The first two rounds I did ok with the side effects, but this time I experience nausea, hot flashes, headaches, and loss of sleep. I was sure happy to finish that last pill. It recommends to take the pill at the same time every day to help with the side effects, so I think that was my problem this time around.

I spent the morning looking up 50mg Clomid success stories because I've been feeling a little down. I am in another group on Facebook called "TTC After Pprom Loss" and it seems everyone in that group is getting pregnant except me. Of course I am so happy for them, but once again, sad for myself. I've been debating the last week if I want to continue with Clomid if this cycle isn't THE cycle. I don't know if I want to take a break from it for a month or two and then try it again or not. I'm stuck in the middle. I just really don't want it to thin my uterine lining. I'm thinking I might call my doctor and see if I am able to come in to get checked and see if it would be safe for me to continue. I did read today that 40% - 45% of women taking Clomid, will get pregnant within 6 cycles. Hoping I'm part of that 40% - 45%!!! This will be our 11th month of actively trying to conceive all together. Can't believe that much time has passed. 

I've really been trying hard to remain positive 100% of the time, but this SUCKS!! I know it WILL happen soon. I just get so impatient sometimes and sad. I'm a firm believer that sometimes our loved ones who've passed, will send little messages here and there. Well on my first day back to work after losing Tucker, the song "Keep Your Head Up" by Andy Grammar, came on and I swear it was Tucker telling me that everything is going to be ok and that I will have our rainbow. Here's the song if you'd like to watch:

On Sunday I received a pretty exciting email...Molly Bears is a non-profit organization that creates weighted teddy bears for families coping with infant loss. Travis and I put in our request a month after losing Tucker, and our Tucker teddy has finally been made. There is a waiting list of a year or more just because of so many requests and also because of funding. I am so thankful for them and can't wait to see our little bear. I will post a picture as soon as I receive him. Here is the link to Molly Bears if you would like to check it out:

mollybears.com

Here's hoping this is the month!!!