Well, it's been a VERY long time since I've updated and so much has happened since my last post. Here's a little insight on what's happened the past couple years and I'll update with details as the days go on:
- I met the love of my life, Travis, in October of 2011.
- We got married on September 29th, 2012.
- We got pregnant with our first son named Tucker William Mills, on January 1st of 2013.
- I went into preterm labor after my water broke at 5 months pregnant at the end of April, 2013.
- I gave birth to our Angel baby on May 9th, 2013.
- During this time my dad has been moved into an assisted living facility because of his dementia that is progressing each day.
- My Grandma, on my moms side, moved back from Louisiana.
- I was diagnosed with PCOS in February of 2014.
- We've been trying to conceive since the end of July in 2013 and it's been a tough journey.
It was suggested to me, by a teacher of sorts, that I start journaling through my life. So, here I am continuing my story.
As I logged onto my blog for the first time in years, I couldn't help but get the feeling that this is going to help me. I don't know why I didn't think about this before. I take that back, I do know why I haven't thought about it before. The past year, I've been in a pretty dark place. I'd come up for air every once in a while, but I stayed pretty low most of the time. I've been hiding behind my grief. Losing our son was so extremely heartbreaking. There have been many times where I'd just sit there and stare. No talking, no T.V. or radio, just be in the piece and quiet and think. My thoughts were horrible ones, sad ones, anxious ones. I wasn't sure how we were going to move forward from this. I couldn't understand why this happened and why it had to happen to me and my husband. I was mad, I wanted to scream and cry most of the time, but yet I could only sit and be silent. I was numb. All Travis and I could talk about was that we couldn't wait to try again, for another brother or sister for Tucker. That helped a little, knowing that we could start trying after having 3 normal cycles. Little did we know that trying for another would not be so easy.
Let me explain by what I mean with easy...our little Tucker was not planned. I had been having a bad reaction to a new birth control I was on and I couldn't take it anymore. So I had to wait for my next cycle to start in order to begin the new birth control. During this time, we had celebrated New Years with some cocktails and what not. Well...my cycle never came. I hadn't realized it during this time because I was overly stressed with some issues going on at work. I did start to notice that I was getting tired all the time and coffee started to make me sick. I just thought I was getting sick but my sweet husband knew. Travis told me I was pregnant before I even knew I was pregnant. The digital pregnancy test only confirmed it. In all honesty, I cried when I saw the positive results. It was fear and excitement all mixed in together and I wasn't sure how to feel. Luckily I had already had an appointment scheduled with my OBGYN a week later, so I figured they could just confirm it then. When telling my Dr., she was so excited that we walked right over to the ultrasound machine and we saw Tucker for the first time. Hearing his heartbeat for the first time was unlike anything I had ever experienced. We were instantly in love with this little bean.
So, it's been 10 months of actively trying to conceive with my husband. There have been many tears, broken hearts, and negative thoughts through this process. After 7 months of trying and no success, I knew something was wrong with my body. In that 7th month, I had also had an 80 day cycle that only confirmed that something was going on. Since having a loss at 5 months, with no known cause, I am now considered at high risk. I had tried a couple doctors in between those 7 months and finally found someone that wants to fight for my next baby just as much as I do. He's also nice enough to give me his phone number so that I can call or text him with any questions anytime. I was so excited to have found him and his team. I finally reached out to him and told him that I feel something is wrong and I want to get checked out. He got me in right away and did an ultrasound of my uterus and ovaries. There he confirmed that I have PCOS. Talk about another obstacle in our path. At first I was ok with it because it confirmed that I wasn't going crazy and that I knew my body. My doctor didn't seem concerned either because I was still having cycles on my own. Most women with PCOS can go for a year without having a cycle. He decided to put me on 50mg of Clomid for the first 3 months and if I don't get pregnant on that, then he is going to up it to 100mg for another 3 months. I was really excited at first, thinking that this was going to help us. For anyone that knows me though, I have to research everything on PCOS and Clomid before starting anything. So naturally, I freaked myself out...
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